Birthmom Q & A

Helping My Child's Birthmother After Placement

Question

I am a new adoptive mom as my son is only 3 months old. His adoption is an open private adoption. What would have made things easier for you after placement? Is there anything we as adoptive parents can do to help our son's birthmom with this difficult time?

Answers

Congratulations on your son. The first few years of an open adoption relationship is full of ups and downs. It’s important for you to remember that no matter what you do your son’s birthmom will have to go through the grieving process. Be gentle with her and her feelings. If you haven’t done so already find a counselor for her to see to help her process some of the feelings and emotions she may have during this difficult time. I think the greatest thing you can do for her and your son is to follow through with promises you’ve made to her.
- Alberta birthmother to a 9 yr old son, open adoption

Congratulations on your new son! Try to remain consistant, not changing a lot once the revocation period has passed as that's difficult to deal with and feels like yet another loss. Keep all the promises you made. Agreed upon time frames are important but if you can't meet a time frame, let the birthmother know so she's aware you are thinking of her and still planning to follow through. It's easy for the fears to kick in otherwise. Ask her what would be most helpful to her and keep the lines of communication open.
- Ontario birthmother to a 5 yr old son, open adoption  

One thing that helped me was I was very distant with my daughter's parents for the first 6 months but somehow I think they may have known that I deep down needed to know she was okay. So every week they sent me an update letter with pictures and information like first steps, first tooth and even though I wasn't able at times to answer, I so very much looked forward to hearing the updates, and each letter was quick and sweet to the point. Another thing is just let her feel as special as she is for giving you this special gift of a son...good luck
- British Columbia birthmother to a 4 yr old daughter, open adoption   

First, I think it's great that you are thinking of your son's birthmom. Maybe it is best to ask her what she wants/needs at this time though because everyone is different. I know for myself, seeing pictures of my son and receiving updates in those early days was wonderful. Kids change so much (especially in those first weeks/months) that seeing him at the different stages was really neat. Your son's birthmother may feel the same, or may not, so I think it is important to ask her. Let her know that you are there for her and ask her what you can do.
- Ontario birthmother to a 6 yr old son, open adoption

Always do what you said you would.
- Nova Scotia birthmother to a 7 yr old daughter, semi-open adoption

That's a tough question for me. I made myself very distant from my mother (she became adoptive mom) and from my child. I couldn't bare the thought of my little girl calling someone else mom. It hurt too much. My mother always said that I could go and see her but I had no way there. Mom brought her out to me a couple of times but by then she didnt know who I was. If I could have changed things I would have been there regularly. I missed so much. I had very low self esteem and just thought it would be best if I stayed away. I should have sought medical help. I'm in her life somewhat now. Adoptive parents in open adoptions should just let the birthmom know that they care because it's easy to think you're not needed.
- New Brunswick birthmother to a 18 yr old daughter, open adoption within the family